Many parenting years ago a mentor of mine, Carol Peat from Braveheart Parenting introduced me to the concept of “low and slow” parenting. Her idea was that when we can get down to our children’s level, lower the volume of our voice and slow down our body language, minds and communication, our children can hear us more clearly and we are more open to what they are conveying. This immediately builds a better connection with our child while navigating a difficult parenting moment.
I immediately loved this simple reminder statement and began to build it into my daily practices. It became my pause. When something happened that I felt myself jumping to react to, I built in the 10-second pause statement ‘low and slow, low and slow’. The key I later realized was that I naturally tended to breathe in while whispering low and slow the first time, and breathe out while whispering it the second time. This combination of the verbal reminder with intentional breathing refocused my mind and returned my nervous system to a calm state. It would innately lower my shoulders, unclench my jaw and create the pause in my own behaviours that created the space for awareness in my responses. It pulled me out of my fight mode and un-fogged my scattered mind in that moment. This gave me the calmness to speak to my child more clearly and simply, and in turn, hear what their behaviour was trying to tell me. Many of our children’s frustrations are around not being able to communicate their needs clearly when their emotions hijack their nervous systems. By meeting them with calmness we can help them de-escalate and feel heard more easily.
So much of our parenting decisions are about how we react or respond in the moment we are challenged. Reacting is rooted in our triggers, in our stress response (fight, flight, freeze or fawn) and in our own emotional regulation and maturity. Whereas responding is intentional, based on our goals for our relationship with our child, it is calm, and it makes sense. We can explain our decisions, our boundaries and our behaviours easily. This not only helps us stay calm but since our children are mirroring our nervous systems, it helps them calm their bodies through co-regulation.
Building in a pause is a skill I teach all the families I work with. Adults and children can all benefit from learning how to build in a small break between the action that activated them (think child hitting) and their behaviours (how you responded). With a bit of intentional practice, you can rewire your brain reactions to automatically respond with calmness and understanding through this practice. Unless your child is in imminent danger (think running into the middle of a busy street) communication can always benefit from creating this pause. Whether you’re navigating a difficult client at work, or a challenging parenting moment in the grocery store, building in a ‘low and slow’ pause will help you keep your cool, and intentionally respond with thought and purpose. The life skills we want to teach our children are amplified when we can model them for ourselves.
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